I have days when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nights when I cry myself to sleep. This emotional roller coaster has been one hell of a ride so far. I have been simply going through the motions for weeks now. As hard as it is to motivate myself to get anything done, I don’t have a choice. I have four children who depend on me to keep things running smoothly at home. I have to wake up with a smile and make breakfast, and pretend everything is just “peachy”. I’m not going to lie. It’s hard. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I mean, half my heart is over 6,000 miles away, and I’m hurting, dying inside. I’ve explained to each child where Daddy is, what he’s doing, and why he’s there. They miss him too, but the occasional Skype dates have helped. They get excited about decorating care packages. It was become our weekly ritual. We draw pictures, write letters, and then take everything to the post office as a family. The Postman knows us by name!
My pain is irrelevant because my main concern is the children. I have to keep home life as close to normal as possible. Lucky for us, we’re only a few hours from my side of the family. They have truly been a blessing during all this. I try to make bi-weekly trips just to give the kids something to look forward to. It has proven to be a well-needed distraction for the littles and myself alike. It gives them a chance to be spoiled by everyone and gives me adult interaction. The down side is none of them fully understand how hard this is for us. If I have to hear, “He’ll be back before you know it” one more time…I know they mean well, but it doesn’t help. Nothing does.
If you’re reading this and you have been feeling the same way, please know that you’re not alone. There are many of us suffering in silence with our heads held high. There’s nothing wrong with anything you may be feeling, and if all else fails, grab a bottle of wine, pull out the cork, and drink right out of the bottle. I won’t tell!